To marry or not to marry: question from a reader
We would love to give a simple "yes" or "no" to this question.
The question is simple enough, but it doesn't have an easy answer. Even though A's message is a relatively long and clear e-mail, it is still only scratching the surface of what she could get into in a face-to-face conversation. And even if we had every fact, A's decision would still be difficult.
So A, this is our take:
The CouplesQuestions' bias is pretty strong: we are shooting for the stars here. We want you to marry sensibly (sounds like you are doing that) and marry for over-the-top love (sounds like you might not be doing that). Fiery passion is not a priority for everyone who is getting married, but it sounds like it is for you. (It is for us, in our marriage.) Your marriage needs to meet your needs. Our post on "The One" might help.
Another thing to consider is the stages of marriage. Four years into your relationship, you are probably through the enchantment phase and you are probably through the disenchantment phase as well. And it doesn't sound like you have the relationship you always wanted, sad to say. So we think you need to take your worries seriously.
Getting married, in and of itself, will not fix the problems. If you are going to go ahead with the wedding, we strongly recommend that you talk to a professional counselor first. A, we think you should talk to someone on your own and then decide whether both of you should see a counselor together. (We are saying "counselor", but it could be a coach or member of the clergy or some other professional. If you go to a trusted friend or relative, you might be putting them in a difficult situation.) The goal would be to find ways that you can improve any areas that are lacking.
Remember that you can also postpone the wedding, even though it has been set for years and is coming up fast. People won't be happy, but most of them will get over it. Many bills will need to be paid, but it is still cheaper than a divorce.
As for the age difference... it is only a problem if it is a problem for you. If you were 16 and he was twice your age, we would be worried. At 26, we aren't so worried.
A, we wish we could give you the answer. If you talk to a life coach, they will likely tell you that you already know the answer and just need to trust yourself to make the decision. You are wise enough to be putting serious thought into the question; you are probably wise enough to make the right call.
We hope we helped a little.
Happy Couples, Happy Planet!
posted by Heather and Dan @ 8:32 PM
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